I’ve had something on my mind a lot lately. Recently, a friend complimented me by telling me I am very nonjudgmental, that if she had a serious issue she was dealing with I would be the person she would talk to about it because she knows I wouldn’t judge her. That meant a lot to me. I try to accept and love people despite our differences of opinions, beliefs or choices. I have friends that are strongly Christian, atheists and agnostics. I have straight friends and gay friends. I have friends that are of my faith and some that have left my church. We have all chosen our own paths.
Not too long ago, another friend confided in me that her teenage son is quietly struggling with same sex attraction. Her main concern is his well-being and happiness. He has been raised in the LDS church. He has a testimony of its truthfulness. Yet, he struggles with the potential of being single for the rest of his life. As we talked, she expressed her concerns for how she will handle it if he decides to act on those feelings and have a partner. She said, “I know we would accept his partner and would treat him with love and kindness because we love our son. But how will we handle things like the family Christmas card? If we send a picture out of the family with his partner in it, what will people think?” I know, at the core of this question, was not about HER being judged, but rather her beliefs being questioned. My reply to her was, “Judgmental people will judge. Ignorant people will conclude what they will. You cannot live your life worried about what those people will think. Whatever decisions you make are between you, your son and God and no one else.
I stopped worrying about what others think a long time ago. I have been the recipient of some very hurtful, ignorant, and inaccurate judgments many times in my life. Some have taken actions against me because they THOUGHT they knew all the facts. The reality is, unless you actually live another’s life, you DO NOT know all the facts. As I have mentioned many times, my middle daughter is autistic with crazy ADHD. While living in Montana, when she was only 2 years old, I would call my mother and express my frustration and exhaustion over her behaviors, to which my mother would say, “I knew a little girl who used to….” and then compare my daughter’s behaviors to mine as a child. It wasn’t until my husband passed away and I moved in with my parents that they really began to understand what I was talking about. Now my mother says, “Unless you live with a child with autism or ADHD, you just can’t understand what it’s like.”
Isn’t that the case with everything? Even still, even if you have an autistic child, each child is different, each family is different, each of our life’s circumstances are different and each of us come with our own strengths and weaknesses. What is easy for one might be a burden to another. Having things in common might help us better empathize, but we still cannot truly and wholly understand.
I remember walking into a restaurant the day after my younger brother passed away to grab a to-go order. As I stood at the counter, I looked around at the smiling customers and thought, “They have no idea what I am going through right now. Many would assume it was just a normal day for me.”
A few years prior, a couple of days after Christian died, I entered Walmart on a mission to get the necessary storage to accommodate our temporary stay at my parents’ home. I was 7 months pregnant. Each day was a bit of a blur to me. It took all I had just to keep it together. Just as I entered, on display in the set up for impulse buys, I noticed a toy I thought my daughters would like. I pulled my cart to the side to look closer. I had just done so when a woman turned the corner with her cart and ran into mine. I hadn’t been moving, so clearly I was not at fault. Yet, the woman glared and swore at me as she charged on. My immediate response was, “Are you kidding me, you crazy woman?!” But I then paused and thought perhaps she just lost her job. Perhaps she is stressed over a child. Perhaps…a lot of things. It is possible that she was just a rude lady. I will never know. But, as I always say to my kids, happy people are kind people. When someone is mean it is because they are unhappy. They need our compassion, not our judgment.
I have learned through 16 years of some very hard trials never to judge another. That is not my job. That is God’s job. My job is to love others, even those who are unkind. Because, the reality is, we are all God’s children and He deeply loves each one of us….even those who seem unlovable. I hope, one day, to develop that same kind of love within myself for all that I see. The only way to be better, rather than bitter, is to extend the same grace to others that God extended to us through Jesus Christ.
KATHARINE SPEAKS 