What the????

When is started this blog I told myself I would write at least once a week. Yeah….so I haven’t done very well at accomplishing that goal.  There was a time when I seemed to always feel motivated to write.  So I did.  And then it was suggested that I start a blog to post these writings.  So I did.  And then I sat there staring at my computer screen with no idea of what to write.  Spiritual insights?  Politics?  Current events?  Single mommy-dom?  The fact that I now have a blog but I have nothing in my brain to write about?  So, today I decided I would just write.  Congratulations to whomever is lucky enough to be reading my totally random blog today.  Good luck! (P.S….the following will be completely unedited, so please excuse all grammatical or structural errors that might occur….Yes, Mom, that means you.)

The world is crazy.  I can’t even watch the news anymore (Those who really know me, know what a big deal that is!) because it seems all logic has been thrown out the window.  And, yet, I feel this deep driving passion for this country and its founding principles that pushes me to speak out. I see people all around me losing their way because they have thrown out all that they knew to be true simply because it was too hard or didn’t make sense with their limited mortal understanding of things.  I hear constant justifications or excuses for bad behaviors.   I watch people struggling, trying to figure out why “such-and-such” happened.  I see a generation of “me me me” coming up in the world.  I see all my weaknesses manifested in my children and worry if I can afford to pay for all of the therapy they will clearly need to make up for my failings as their mother.  (Sorry kiddos!)  I live in an eternal groundhog day with my kids, repeating the same speeches over and over again, all the while wondering why I even bother because it is clear from the glazed look in their eyes they checked out a while ago.  My youngest is 7 and I am still having to make sure she poops everyday and she gets her medicine so I don’t have to take her back to Primary Children’s and put her through that horrible treatment again.  My autistic daughter…well, she is a walking string of concerns and questions.  I pray for guidance and seem to be left with “you’ll figure it out” as the answer, and yet, I wonder if anything I’ve done really qualifies as “figuring it out”.

Basically, I feel surrounded by chaos and questions.  Yet, in the middle of it all, I feel a sense of peace.  I know that sounds crazy.  Somehow, even while walking in complete darkness at times, I know it will all work out. It was almost 8 years ago that my husband passed away.  I wasn’t sure I could pull this cart on my own.  I didn’t think I was strong enough.  I was wrong.  Yes, it took me a while to build up the strength.  I had to take a lot of rest breaks early on.  I cried.  I collapsed from shear exhaustion. I had moments when I felt I couldn’t go on.  Yet, here I am almost 8 years later.  I’m are all still standing (and, more importantly, so are my kids).  My hands are calloused, my muscles are stronger, I have figured out what I can and can’t carry and realized an easier way to hold on to that cart.  And, most importantly, I know how important it is to stay on the path.  As hard as it might be at times, I make sure we read our scriptures and pray as a family, we have family night every week (sometimes it only lasts about 10 minutes, but at least we do it), we attend our church meetings, I go to the temple as much as I can and I try to act on every prompting I receive (whether or not I’m sure it was a prompting or just my own crazy brain at work).  I do this because I know I need the Lord’s help and I need to be able to say to Him, “I’ve done all that I can.  I need You to make up for what I can’t.”  And trust me, there’s A LOT I can’t do!

Even though I’m surrounded by crazy, chaos and questions, I say to myself “Be still and know that I am God.”  “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.”  Sometimes life just is what it is.  You can quit, you can cry or you can keep on keeping on.  I choose the latter.  And, I’m going to keep on laughing at life the whole way through. (Someday my kids will realize how freaking hilarious I really am!)

*Sigh*

My goal when I started this blog was to write on a regular basis (whatever that meant).  The good, the bad, the ugly, and the train wrecks you just can’t take your eyes off of.  For a bit there I had these moments of “I need to express what is in my heart” and shared them.  But for the last couple weeks I haven’t felt inspired, so I haven’t written. Instead I have felt frustrated.  Frustrated with the political scene.  Frustrated with the inability of my almost 12 year old to learn from her past behaviors enough to make a course correction, only to get stuck with the inevitable consequences again and again and again.  Frustrated that after years of trying various therapies and special diets, I am still struggling to help ease my autistic/ADHD daughter’s (I call her my auttie) challenges (and ours having to deal with her behavior).  Frustrated that my sweet 7 yr old is getting more and more stubborn, refusing to heed my warnings and is picking up on all of her big sister’s bad behaviors.  Frustrated that I still feel stuck, not knowing what direction to go in for my own life.  Frustrated that, despite working out HARD on a regular basis, I can’t get these last freaking pounds to go away! Frustrated at the ever growing to-do list that keeps getting added to by all of the things my auttie breaks or damages.  Frustrated at my kids’ constant fights (usually brought on by my little auttie).  Frustrated that I can’t even go on a run (trying to get my zen on) without my kids calling me to tattle on each other.  Frustrated that I can’t figure out why I keep going through these phases of exhaustion and dizzy spells (yes, I went to a dr and had blood work done only to be told it must be from stress.  REALLY???).  Basically frustrated that, despite my constantly varying efforts to change the circumstances, everything seems to remain the same.  Kind of like running on a treadmill…you put in all this effort but don’t really go anywhere.  It’s emotionally exhausting.  And for the past 7 1/2 years, since my husband passed away, I have been on this treadmill by myself. I’m tired. But the one current silver lining in all of this, is that this time there is someone by my side. An amazing guy who sees all of the craziness in my kids and chooses to stay.  A guy who will make time in his busy schedule to stop by my house on his way home from work to give me a hug and be with me for a moment because he knows I’m having a bad day.  A guy who is always bringing me flowers, telling me what a great mom I am, validating me, encouraging me.  He truly is the calm in the crazy storm that is my life.  I don’t know why he hasn’t run away.  I probably would have.  But instead of running, he holds me closer.  I am feeling so very blessed for having him in my life.  Thanks, babe, for being my inspiration to blog again.

As I Have Loved You

 

I’ve had something on my mind a lot lately.  Recently, a friend complimented me by telling me I am very nonjudgmental, that if she had a serious issue she was dealing with I would be the person she would talk to about it because she knows I wouldn’t judge her.  That meant a lot to me.  I try to accept and love people despite our differences of opinions, beliefs or choices.  I have friends that are strongly Christian, atheists and agnostics.  I have straight friends and gay friends.  I have friends that are of my faith and some that have left my church.  We have all chosen our own paths.

Not too long ago, another friend confided in me that her teenage son is quietly struggling with same sex attraction.  Her main concern is his well-being and happiness.  He has been raised in the LDS church.  He has a testimony of its truthfulness.  Yet, he struggles with the potential of being single for the rest of his life.  As we talked, she expressed her concerns for how she will handle it if he decides to act on those feelings and have a partner. She said, “I know we would accept his partner and would treat him with love and kindness because we love our son.  But how will we handle things like the family Christmas card?  If we send a picture out of the family with his partner in it, what will people think?”  I know, at the core of this question, was not about HER being judged, but rather her beliefs being questioned. My reply to her was, “Judgmental people will judge.  Ignorant people will conclude what they will.  You cannot live your life worried about what those people will think.  Whatever decisions you make are between you, your son and God and no one else.

I stopped worrying about what others think a long time ago.  I have been the recipient of some very hurtful, ignorant, and inaccurate judgments many times in my life.  Some have taken actions against me because they THOUGHT they knew all the facts.  The reality is, unless you actually live another’s life, you DO NOT know all the facts.  As I have mentioned many times, my middle daughter is autistic with crazy ADHD.  While living in Montana, when she was only 2 years old, I would call my mother and express my frustration and exhaustion over her behaviors, to which my mother would say, “I knew a little girl who used to….” and then compare my daughter’s behaviors to mine as a child.  It wasn’t until my husband passed away and I moved in with my parents that they really began to understand what I was talking about.  Now my mother says, “Unless you live with a child with autism or ADHD, you just can’t understand what it’s like.”

Isn’t that the case with everything?  Even still, even if you have an autistic child, each child is different, each family is different, each of our life’s circumstances are different and each of us come with our own strengths and weaknesses.  What is easy for one might be a burden to another.  Having things in common might help us better empathize, but we still cannot truly and wholly understand.

I remember walking into a restaurant the day after my younger brother passed away to grab a to-go order.  As I stood at the counter, I looked around at the smiling customers and thought, “They have no idea what I am going through right now.  Many would assume it was just a normal day for me.”

A few years prior, a couple of days after Christian died, I entered Walmart on a mission to get the necessary storage to accommodate our temporary stay at my parents’ home.  I was 7 months pregnant.  Each day was a bit of a blur to me.  It took all I had just to keep it together.  Just as I entered, on display in the set up for impulse buys, I noticed a toy I thought my daughters would like.  I pulled my cart to the side to look closer.  I had just done so when a woman turned the corner with her cart and ran into mine.  I hadn’t been moving, so clearly I was not at fault.  Yet, the woman glared and swore at me as she charged on.  My immediate response was, “Are you kidding me, you crazy woman?!”  But I then paused and thought perhaps she just lost her job.  Perhaps she is stressed over a child.  Perhaps…a lot of things. It is possible that she was just a rude lady.  I will never know.  But, as I always say to my kids, happy people are kind people.  When someone is mean it is because they are unhappy.  They need our compassion, not our judgment.

I have learned through 16 years of some very hard trials never to judge another.  That is not my job.  That is God’s job.  My job is to love others, even those who are unkind.  Because, the reality is, we are all God’s children and He deeply loves each one of us….even those who seem unlovable.  I hope, one day, to develop that same kind of love within myself for all that I see.  The only way to be better, rather than bitter, is to extend the same grace to others that God extended to us through Jesus Christ.

When God speaks, do it!

First, I want to share a post my friend, Shannon, put on her Facebook wall late last night.

“Quick miracle story tonight…I kept getting a random strong feeling I needed to go to Walgreens tonight. I was so tired but finally went and walked around wasting time looking at Valentines Day items for my son. All of a sudden a woman screamed at the top of her lungs ‘HELP SOMEBODY HELP ME MY BABY IS CHOKING!!!!’ My heart stopped. I had JUST cried over my friend’s account of when her baby passed away from choking last night. It is my worst nightmare. I even talked with my sister about it today and she reviewed with me what her emergency medical training had been for a baby choking over dinner tonight. I threw everything I had in my arms onto the floor, rushed over to the panicked mom, she threw her panicking baby in my arms, I landed on my knees, and calmly helped the little man work out the gummy he’d been choking on. It took a few agonizing seconds and the mom and other bystanders were screaming but the Lord blessed me with an uncharacteristic immense calm and knowledge of what to do at that exact moment, remembering everything my sister and previous first aid classes had taught me. When that baby finally dislodged that gummy and salivated all over me and the floor I finally breathed again myself. He had been so scared, and I don’t ever want to have to witness a mom going through that ever again. Obviously it wasn’t that baby’s time to go yet, but I was so relieved I’d listened to that still small voice in my heart leading me to that boy’s aid tonight. I was so happy to get such big hugs from him and his mother but when I got in the car I finally let the relief pour out of my eyes and said a deep felt prayer of thanks to God he was okay. I don’t know how and why the Lord chooses some to go home and some to stay, but I’m very grateful that little boy was able to go home to his mom tonight. And I’m grateful I listened to that prompting in my heart and was able to have that experience this evening. Now I’m completely and utterly drained from the intense adrenaline rush and am falling into bed. Hold your loved ones tightly. Life is short.”

This post really made an impression on me.  It seems Shannon’s focus on that event was more on lives saved vs. lives lost.  But to me, the real story is how easily the Lord was able to prepare her and then guide her to where He needed her to be so she could be His hands in that moment in that Walgreens.  That’s how the Lord works….through US!

Whenever I hear a story like this, I say to myself that I will be better at following promptings, big or small.  Sometimes those promptings come on powerfully or I have a thought repeatedly coming into my mind.  Those are easier to follow through on.  Other times, it has just been a passing thought.  So I pause and think, “What harm could be done by just following that feeling. It may just be a random thought.  But what if it isn’t?  What if it is the Spirit putting that thought into my mind?”  Often times we may never know the impact our actions may have on others.

A few weeks ago a woman posted on Facebook on our neighborhood group page that she was looking for a cheap location for a wedding reception and decorations to borrow for a young friend of hers who’s mother was back east (so she wasn’t available for hands on help) and was widowed, so her mother didn’t have the funds to help.  That left this young woman to find ways to pay for everything herself. Of course, this touched my heart being a widow with three young daughters of my own.  Immediately, the pavilion in my parents’ church parking lot came to my mind.  I didn’t know why.  I had never even been in it before or paid much attention to it when I have been to their church building.  The thought came amidst the craziness of getting kids off to school.  I thought, “Maybe I’ll send her a reply when the kids leave.”  ….And then I proceeded to completely forget.  (Sadly, not an uncommon occurrence for me.)  About an hour later my dad dropped by for a quick minute.  While he was here, he randomly mentioned that he and my mom were going to a wedding reception that night being held in the pavilion at their church.  (Seriously????)  That’s when I remembered the thought I had earlier.  So, I immediately went to my computer to send the message, before my early onset dementia took over again.  And then I went about my business.

Later that day, I got a message from the woman who made the post.  Her young friend had looked at the pavilion (which just happened to be decorated for the reception at the time, helping her really see what it could look like) and decided to use it.  The best part was that it was cost free!  The young woman was thrilled!

It was a simple thing.  All I did was send a message and then connect her to my father.  But to that young bride-to-be, it was a huge relief and an answer to her prayers.  It was a reminder to me of the importance of being usable in the Lord’s hands.  And that only comes through practice in following those promptings.  The more we act on them, the easier it will become to distinguish them, understand them and then do His will.  Oftentimes, we will not know the impact of our actions…or inaction.  Shannon could have easily dismissed that prompting and went about her day, and would never have known what happened there.  But she didn’t.  She acted.  And the result of her obedience was literally life changing.  I pray we all will be like Shannon…even when those promptings seem illogical or ridiculous.  As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Doubt your doubt before you doubt your faith.”  And that includes faith in your ability to be guided by the Spirit.

(As a side note, this is a crazy busy morning.  But I felt impressed to write this post today.  This is one of those times when I have no idea why, but, as I said before “What harm could be done by just following that feeling?”  So I made the time to do this….which meant skipping my workout, which is HUGE for me.  Who knows….maybe this is the Lord’s way of teaching ME.)

Calgon…take me away!

Remember that Calgon commercial?  (Do they even make Calgon anymore?)  Today is one of those days.  Who am I kidding.  Today?  It’s been longer than that, but let’s just focus on today.  This blog is titled “Life Uncensored”, right?  So….here you go.  My uncensored, current thoughts….

We have been dog sitting for almost a week now.  Today the dog’s hind leg is bothering him (he broke it as a puppy and now it hurts at times when the weather gets cold).  So, all morning, he has been lying on my bed sleeping.  And I want to join him.  But I can’t because my to do list is way too long.  And, yet, here I sit at 11:30 am trying desperately to avoid all things chore related.  I am tired.  I am emotionally wiped from a very rough morning and a very hard week.  My little challenge (my 9 year old with autism and ADHD) has been completely off her game for the last month or so and I can’t seem to find a solution.  Being her mom is exhausting!  And being a solo mom means I don’t have that emotional support at home or anyone to take the reins, even for a moment.  Thinking about doing this for however many more years overwhelms me.  And this PMS isn’t helping things!  (Is that TMI?  I did warn you that this was “uncensored”.  Continue reading at your own peril.)

So, what do I do?  I call my dad ranting and crying, buckle down, drink my happy juice (that’s what I call my pre-workout drink…it always peps me up…except for today), put on my running clothes and remind myself that about 1 1/2 miles in, when I hit my stride, I will be so glad I went running and then carry on with the rest of my day.  Ok….honestly, I’ve only currently gone as far as drinking the happy juice.  I’m trying to motivate myself to do the rest.  And all the while reminding myself how guilty I will feel if I instead give in to the temptation and eat the entire pan of brownies I made last night.

Life really sucks sometimes.  But, as I always say, I firmly believe there is opposition in all things (2 Nephi 2:11) and the pendulum will swing in the opposite direction.  After going through great trials, the moments of peace (even very brief, fleeting moments) are sweeter.  I know all things are for my good (Romans 8:28).  It’s just that sometimes I wish the Lord didn’t see a need to give me so many of those “for my good” moments.  Because this girl sure could use some rest.

I know there are others out there who feel the same as I.  So, if you happen to cross paths with someone who unknowingly steals your parking place, or cuts you off on the road, or behaves in some other inconsiderate way, stop and think that perhaps that person is having the same kind of day I’m having and they just need someone to cut them a little slack.  We all have those days (or years).  Say it with me…..WWJD….What would Jesus do?  (I thought that was appropriate being that the Super Bowl is this Sunday. ;))  Kind of a trite statement because of it’s overuse.  But there is something to it.  Afterall, isn’t that the whole purpose of why we are here on this earth.  Let’s all try to be a little kinder and more forgiving. You never know how that simple, loving act will trickle down.

 

Being God’s Hands on Earth

Last night I had another opportunity to help someone in a time of great need through a mutual friend of ours.  I don’t know the person I’ve been helping, but I am familiar with this particular struggle–telling his wife and then his parents that he has same sex attraction.  He loves his wife and wants to stay married.  He also wants his parents to understand his circumstances so they can give him the emotional support he deeply needs right now.

Last week my friend called me asking for advice to give him before he told his wife.  As I spoke, I knew the words were coming from the Lord.  I felt the importance of every word I said and it came so easily with such a sense of peace.  She later told me that the advice I gave was exactly what he needed.

Last night she contacted me again asking for the “top three tips” on how to tell his parents.  I decided to go to the best source I knew about this….my parents. ( In Quiet Desperation book ) “Having gone through this yourself, what advice would have helped you in that moment as Stuart told you he was gay?”  As soon as they started to share some of their thoughts, the words began to pour into my head.

I quickly hung up and called my friend, wanting to share my thoughts as they were coming to me, knowing they weren’t MY thoughts, but rather promptings from the Spirit.  Again, the thoughts came so clearly.

I have had many people tell me that my story in the book “Voices of Hope” ( Voices of Hope book ) and the video I made telling my story ( Voices of Hope video ) have had a dramatic impact on their lives in various ways. I am always amazed how the Lord is able to use someone as fallible and flawed as I in His hands to help His children that He loves so much.  I am humbled.  It all confirms to me what I know to be true…that God lives, He loves us and He wants to help us along our journey.  And, oftentimes, that help comes through others….even a simple, single mom like me.

Lazy or crazy???

A friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook today.  He commented on how disgusting it was that someone left this half eaten banana on the shelf in the store where he works.  I agree…it’s pretty gross.  Then I read some of the comments people made.  “Lazy idiots.”  “Parents that do not watch their kids are usually aware that they do not watch their kids. In those cases they should be thoughtful enough to not let their kids bring food into a store. Its the least they can do. Unbelievable the crap people will do.”

As I read these posts and looked at that banana pic, I thought, “That could’ve easily been me.”  As many of you know, my middle daughter has autism.  After a long, stressful day at school, she is so tightly wound.  In that state, she can be very hard to manage.  Add on the fact that she had been on medication all day to curb her insane ADHD which eliminates her appetite, and that when she walks in the door from school the meds are wearing off and her appetite is beginning to rage.  So she wants food and she wants it 5 minutes ago!!  If I am up against the clock I don’t have time to prepare a snack, wait for her to eat it in the kitchen and then proceed out the door.  Nope.  I am grabbing whatever I know she’ll eat and handing it to her as I encourage her to join me in the car.  (By “encourage” I mean, trying to get a word in between her yells and screams about anything and everything so she knows I have food for her and we are leaving.  Oh…it’s quite the pleasant experience–insert sarcastic tone and expression.)  She loves bananas.  Many times that is the snack I have grabbed.

We get to our destination, I rush to complete my task, knowing she is not in the best emotional state and just wants to go home to watch TV or play with friends (Oh…I should mention she can be rather obsessive when she wants something….which means every 2 minutes she is whining about being wherever we are and yelling about how she wants to go home.  Another pleasant experience.)  This all means, I put my head down, get the job done and get out.  And, sometimes…ok…often times, that means I overlook simple things like the fact that she no longer has a banana peel in her hands.  Of course, I don’t notice that until I am halfway home.

So, I guess I owe a HUGE apology to all of the store clerks and customers who have had and will have to in the future deal with the food messes my daughter may have made or will make.  I am just a single mom trying to make it through the day until those glorious words are spoken (by me)…”It’s bed time!”