*Sigh*

My goal when I started this blog was to write on a regular basis (whatever that meant).  The good, the bad, the ugly, and the train wrecks you just can’t take your eyes off of.  For a bit there I had these moments of “I need to express what is in my heart” and shared them.  But for the last couple weeks I haven’t felt inspired, so I haven’t written. Instead I have felt frustrated.  Frustrated with the political scene.  Frustrated with the inability of my almost 12 year old to learn from her past behaviors enough to make a course correction, only to get stuck with the inevitable consequences again and again and again.  Frustrated that after years of trying various therapies and special diets, I am still struggling to help ease my autistic/ADHD daughter’s (I call her my auttie) challenges (and ours having to deal with her behavior).  Frustrated that my sweet 7 yr old is getting more and more stubborn, refusing to heed my warnings and is picking up on all of her big sister’s bad behaviors.  Frustrated that I still feel stuck, not knowing what direction to go in for my own life.  Frustrated that, despite working out HARD on a regular basis, I can’t get these last freaking pounds to go away! Frustrated at the ever growing to-do list that keeps getting added to by all of the things my auttie breaks or damages.  Frustrated at my kids’ constant fights (usually brought on by my little auttie).  Frustrated that I can’t even go on a run (trying to get my zen on) without my kids calling me to tattle on each other.  Frustrated that I can’t figure out why I keep going through these phases of exhaustion and dizzy spells (yes, I went to a dr and had blood work done only to be told it must be from stress.  REALLY???).  Basically frustrated that, despite my constantly varying efforts to change the circumstances, everything seems to remain the same.  Kind of like running on a treadmill…you put in all this effort but don’t really go anywhere.  It’s emotionally exhausting.  And for the past 7 1/2 years, since my husband passed away, I have been on this treadmill by myself. I’m tired. But the one current silver lining in all of this, is that this time there is someone by my side. An amazing guy who sees all of the craziness in my kids and chooses to stay.  A guy who will make time in his busy schedule to stop by my house on his way home from work to give me a hug and be with me for a moment because he knows I’m having a bad day.  A guy who is always bringing me flowers, telling me what a great mom I am, validating me, encouraging me.  He truly is the calm in the crazy storm that is my life.  I don’t know why he hasn’t run away.  I probably would have.  But instead of running, he holds me closer.  I am feeling so very blessed for having him in my life.  Thanks, babe, for being my inspiration to blog again.